Pages: 1
A few jokes
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: forwardone
Kuwaiti Women
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
One day Wayne Rooney decided to go ice fishing so of he went to look for a good place to fish, after some time he found a good place and set up his gear, after cutting a hole in the ice and letting down his line a loud voice from the sky said " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE " so he pucked up his gear and moved on, again he found a good place and cut a hole in the ice and dropped down his line and sure enough again he heard " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE " again a bit shocked he got up and moved on, he again found a good spot and cut a hole in the ice and dropped down his line and again from above he heard " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE " at this point Rooney fell to his knees,looked up to the sky and said " Lord Lord is that you?" to which the reply came " NO ITS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK"
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any flippin' bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any flippin' bread, ask me again and I'll nail your great, ugly beak to the bar!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of "Jameson" in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that the cheeks of bum were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, were ye or were ye not?"
Paddy said, "Why should ye be accusin' me of such a thing, woman?"
"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door;
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs;
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house
it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin'
it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."
Apples and wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men… men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the life out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
75,000 Utd fans meet at the Old Trafford "Smart People Support the Red Devils" convention. Gary Neville, as captain, addresses the crowd. "We are all here today to prove to the world that United fans are not daft. Can I have a volunteer please?" Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Neville asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, "Eighteen!" "I'm afraid not", says Neville. Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Mancs start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Neville says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Rooney eventually says,"Ninety?" Neville looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Rooney looks like he's going to punch someone (as usual!) But then the 75,000 Mancs begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Neville, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good, eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Manc crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on to the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."