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Ha, Ha!..DIRTIER THAN THE DIRTY JOKE!!
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: jojomataketa
Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
Posted by: wendy99
http://web-life.org/vb/images/smilie/046.gif
Very Dirty
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
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Originally Posted by wendy99
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Yeah!...Beat THAT!
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.imagequest3d.com/ImageFo...es/CLV00069.jpg
http://www.planula.com.au/dive/uwph...rge/wemoray.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
Hi Wendy and everybody!...
I can't see the 1st picture!....That is, the erect eel...
I see only a cross!...Can you guys see it?...
If you do, then I must be blind!!...Wonder what caused that!
Cheers!
Posted by: betrdanevr
Maybe just a case of good luck??? 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
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Originally Posted by jojomataketa
Hi Wendy and everybody!...
I can't see the 1st picture!....That is, the erect eel...
I see only a cross!...Can you guys see it?...
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??
Posted by: betrdanevr
Search me, Jojo. Maybe it's where the pic is hosted??
Personally, I hate those red X's. Reminds me of when e-bay auctions listings aren't working correctly. LOL
Posted by: wendy99
I can see them
Posted by: jaukki
Quote:
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Originally Posted by wendy99
I can see them
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Yes.. two of them.. But the first one isn't linked properly.. (It's been linked with the url to the search results in a picture bank. 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Sorry, I tried again, but no luck!............A very shy eel I think!
Hey jaukki, do you know how to fix it? can you?
Cheers
jojo
Posted by: wendy99
No, I see three of them.
Wendy 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Grandma Goes to Court
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to caress my bosom.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I took off all my clothes and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a *****! /*
Posted by: jojomataketa
A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him
over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now, take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, take off my panties,"
He slowly pulled them down and then off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to
town again!"
Posted by: Chaos
Rofl :d
Posted by: jojomataketa
While in China, a man is sexually very promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: " Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
......The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm. They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.” The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions. The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm. The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.villagehatshop.com/media...crown-texan.gif
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see! , I'm from Texas and I Want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked.
Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size? And style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for You?"
No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted Out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied.............
(You're going to love this one!)
(ALL the guys will be using this line.......)
"From the floor ma'am.................from the floor."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.betterloverseminar.com/d...hes_husband.php
Posted by: jojomataketa
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and an old woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me too hard on the head with a beer bottle.'
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two ladies are talking about their fish catch. One asks "How do your get so many? I fish in the same river but get bugger all!" "Well", says the other, "if the hubbys old fella is lying on the left when I wake up, then I fish the left side, And right side if the dong is tilting to the right." The first lady asks, "Ah, ha, but what if its straight up?!"....The other one says, "Then I say, bugger the fishing."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even make love to a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
Posted by: jojomataketa
A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, and, wait for it, has a sexual climax!. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He has a bigger climax! The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. Yep, you guessed it, a he once again has his massive climax. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've had sexual climax! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies,
"No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."