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Some Limericks For You!..add On Yours!!
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Posted by: jojomataketa
The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
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There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.
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There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous
He carved Aphrodite
Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious
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'Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
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An exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.
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There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one daY
In a relative waY
And returned on the previous night.
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I once took our vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
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There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
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There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene!
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A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
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A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
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Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
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God's plan made a hopeful beginning,
But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
We trust that the story
Will end in great glory,
But at present the other side's winning.
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There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
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Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,
Jumping out of his bath, cried "Eureka!
He ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
And became the very first streaker.
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There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
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The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
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There was a young fellow called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in.
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There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger.
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There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
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The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
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Posted by: jojomataketa
Sarah Antel
There once was a man with strange hair.
He said, "Anything other than physics, don't care."
He sat down with a book,
And had a long look,
And he realized that E=mc2!
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Irving J. Bigio, Ph.D.
Delta and Sigma, Omega and Psi
Particle physics still can't find the key.
The 'J' notwithstanding,
I lack understanding,
'Cause somehow it's all Greek to me!
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George Cody
There was once a bold referee
Who reviewed each paper with glee.
What's new is not true!
What's true is not new!
Unless it's been published by me.
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Kay R. Devicci
With all the abortions each morn
Now performed on young ladies forlorn,
You don't need lots of nerve
Or a close timelike curve
To die months before you were born.
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Kay R. Devicci
Do you know "The Charge of the Light Brigade?"
The English teacher said.
"You want that in coulombs or esu?",
sand the physicist, scratching his head.
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Kay R. Devicci
I had a twin sister Marie,
Who went off at a speed close to c.
She came back one day
In a relative way,
And ended up younger than me.
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Bruce Elliott
A professor of Physics named May
Complains of the classroom today,
"The problem, you know,
Is that they're too slow.
We were far better students than they."
His friend, a professor named Beecham,
Said "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.
But they're not to blame,
For they haven't the same
Class of teachers that we had, to teach 'em!"
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A. P. French
Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
and charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home
Her decline was, alas, exponential.
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A.P. French
There was a young fellow named Cole
Who ventured too near a black hole.
His dv by dt
Was quite wondrous to see
But now all that's left is his soul.
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Edward H. Green
The first law of Newton I sing
My voice has a relevant ring:
"An object left free
Of hassles will be
Engrossed in just doing its thing."
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Edward H. Green
This answers your hasty request
To speed up your medical test:
Your increase in weight
Is nothing you ate,
It's E over c square; just rest.
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Devlin Gualtieri
In youth, his hair grew like a weed,
But Old Hubble was balding, indeed.
"I know that I ought
To make this constant a naught,
Then my hairline will never recede."
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Devlin Gualtieri
Einstein sat all night awake.
"These equations are so hard to make!"
"With a wave of my hands,
The Universe expands,
But Omega puts on the brake."
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Devlin Gualtieri
Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too,
Are members of our little zoo.
Though in their stalls
As little balls,
They're really clouds of quantum goo.
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Devlin Gualtieri
Can there be any levity
In electronegativity?
Fluorine is high,
As are others nearby.
How is that for brevity?
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David Halliday
A proton once said, "I'll fulfill
My long-term belief in free will.
Though theorists say
That I ought to decay
I'm damned if I think that I will."
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Steve Langer
The chairman of AT&T
Said, "Your graduate physics degree
Is not worth a penny --
Of your kind we've too many.
Perhaps you can program in C?"
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Arthur Lesk
A girl whose frustration was chronic
Became cynical, brash and sardonic:
"I do flutters and dips,
when I wiggle my hips --
They love it when I'm anharmonic."
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Mike Lubell
"Their three colors are red, white and blue,"
The professor said over a brew.
A drunk student objected,
"That's not been detected!
And without any proof, I say screw!"
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David Markowitz
Another day but not to bore you;
The towel is gone that would restore you.
You're late, you fuss, get hit by a bus.
Well, there goes chaos for you.
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Chris Matthews
Through a prism looked Newton at light.
The spectrum was a curious sight.
"This light isn't stained,"
Sir Isaac explained,
"for when recombined it comes back white!"
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Chris Matthews
The sky has a beautiful hue,
to scattering of light it's due.
Long wavelengths like red,
through air go unbled,
leaving us seeing the blue!
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Chris Matthews
What causes the mountains to lift?
What causes a fissure to rift?
What makes the ground shake
during an earthquake?
The answer is continental drift!
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Chris Matthews
Answer this question if you will,
What colours the green of dill?
In a plant cell,
is a chemical,
that goes by the name chlorophyll!
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Harvard team
Who needs the balance and check?
Screw peer review --- what the heck!
Send all of your crap
To the internet --- zap!
Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!
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Harvard team
There once was a student with flash,
Who set out to make a big splash.
But the profs who were rising
Had no time for advising,
So she's back on the streets, selling hash.
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Harvard team
There once was a scathing review,
Which blasted the work through and through.
It said that what's true
Is clearly not new,
And what's new is most surely not true.
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Harvard team
When God said, "Let the Higgs be!"
He gave it but slight energy.
He said, "You grow thinner,
You must have some dinner."
So it ate up some W and Z.
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Harvard team
The cosmos according to Hubble
Expands like the soap of a bubble.
Let's hope it's not closed,
It would then be disposed
To shrink down to zero, and that's trouble.
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Harvard team
One morning while eating my Wheaties,
I felt the earth move 'neath my feeties.
The cause for alarm
Was a long lever-arm,
At the end of which stood Archimedes.
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Harvard team
Larry Lobster crawls deep in the sea,
Where the pressure and depth guarantee
That all the frustrations
Of mighty crustaceans
Won't help when they have to go pee.
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Harvard team
"To three, five, and seven, assign
A name," the prof said, "we'll define."
But he botched the instruction
With lame-ass induction,
And told us the next prime was nine.
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Harvard team
The skill to do math on a page
Has declined to the point of outrage.
Equations quadratica
Are solved on mathematica,
And on birthdays we don't know our age.
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Posted by: jojomataketa
William Rolnick
An electron, while trav'ling in space,
met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
at the sight of his bride
and they "died" in a loving embrace.
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David M. Smith
A friend who's in liquor production
Owns a still of astounding construction.
The alcohol boils
Through old magnet coils;
She says that it's "proof by induction."
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Conway W Snyder
It's as easy to say as to know
That in winter molasses is slow.
But a physicist, enamored of verbosity,
Would invent some mathematical monstrosity
And attribute the decrease of the velocity
To its "thermal coefficient ov viscosity".
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Roger Tobin
Erwin's tabby cried out to be fed.
In a box he confined her instead.
Now she sits there and waits
In her superposed states,
To find out if she's living or dead.
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Amikam Aharoni
There once was an Editor who, without shame,
Changed the rules in the middle of the game.
Against the tradition,
And conventional definition,
He allowed multi-stanzas under limerick name!
If a player will kick a basketball while running,
Will the referee praise him for being so cunning?
And yet we see in the list
Of the limericks finalist
These multi-stanza poems, which is just stunning!
There once was a theorist, well worthy of mention,
Who neglected the leading term in a series expansion.
He said: elegance counts
More than actual amounts
Only engineers are concerned with the real dimension!
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Carl A. Benz
When Enrico Fermi to Chicago came.
He did something that brought him fame,
By mixing atoms of C with U
the pile went critical right on cue,
And this whole world will never be the same.
When the pile began to multiply in the grid,
as Fermi's pocket slide rule slid.
The K factor was greater than one,
something was new under the sun,
And the mystery of Fission was no longer hid.
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Carl A. Benz
Einstein said Can the sun, a star emitting light by the ton,
Attract light from a more distant one?
Astronomers took up the scent,
Yes, truly the light was bent,
And Einstein had the skeptics on the run.
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Carl A. Benz
Of all the thrills that come to men,
the best is that phone call from Sweden.
You've won the Nobel Prize.
Your chest goes up another size,
Oh, Mon, dig my suitcase out of my old play pen.
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Carl A. Benz
A post Doc went out and on his favorite bar did knock,
Ordered a walnut daiquiri served in a crock.
The bartender was out of walnuts that day,
If he put in Hickory nuts, then he'd say,
Here's your hickory, daiquiri, Doc.
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Edward A. Fagen
The universe came to a junction
When Erwin collapsed his wave function.
He lifted the lid
And found that it hid
A pussy in need of Last Unction.
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Barbara Levi
Have you heard of the latest resort,
Where uv rays aren't cut short?
The Great Ozone Hole
Down at the South Pole.
You can tan while the penquins cavort!
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Barbara Levi
In pollution the world seems to wallow.
**** gives us a guide we can follow.
What risk, do you think,
In water we drink?
For some, it is too much to swallow.
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Daniel Mittleman
The alchemists, so I have read,
tried hard to make gold out of lead;
But the more modern cult
(with the same end result)
is begging from Congress, instead!
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Ned Norris
There once was a man named Sylvester
Whose wife he did very much pester.
And so to endear him,
She wrote him the theorem
That ruined my whole damn semester!
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David M. Smith
Yelled my astro professor (named Bob),
"What's the 'three-degree background', you slob?"
I replied, "Sad to say,
Ph.D. to B.A.,
It is no guarantee of a job!"
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Gunnar Tibell
There was a young atom in Hell
With a vacancy in an inner shell.
An electron high above
In his heavenly love
Saw the hole, and in it he fell.
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Shakespere?:
There is this Jojo Mataketa
Who is being sternly told, 'you better...!'
...oops...just got a life.
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Posted by: betrdanevr
There once was a young man named Mike
Who rode up the hill on a bike.
Ladies were aghast 
As his pants went half mast
And now they all know what he's like! 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by betrdanevr
Ladies were aghast
As his pants went half mast
And now they all know what he's like! |
Ha ha!
Posted by: jojomataketa
There was an old lady of Edinburgh,
Whose manner was most swift and thorough,
She strode to the stage and called out 'Turn the page!
You're all a step behind here in Edinburgh.'
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There was an old lady of Afghanistan,
Who succeeded in never getting a tan,
She asked 'Can we meet?' and received 'You're white as a sheet!
And very unwelcome in Afghanistan.'
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There was a young fellow of Albion,
Who was most famous for his opinion,
That the sun, the stars, planet Venus and Mars,
All revolved round the proud lands of Albion.
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There was once an old lady of Stafford,
Who chose to be rude and distempered,
When they said 'G'day', she replied, 'Make way!
You fat load of rascals in Stafford!'
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There was an old man of Alexandria,
Who noticed the beach getting sandier,
'Could this be meaning the sea is receding,
Or the fact that I'm just getting tipsier?'
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There once was a lady of Yugoslavia,
Who when speaking, sounded like 'bladiblablia'
When they said 'Please repeat that!' She put on a hat,
And said 'Bladiblablia, Vladibablia, Ladibablia!'
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Posted by: jojomataketa
"It wasn't easy landing my current job. At the interview, it came down to myself and one other guy....
The interviewer said to the both of us,
" Well, the both of you are the best qualified of all candidates. But, we need only one of you to fill the position. Tell you what, since this job requires much creativity...why don't the both of you compose a poem that ends with Timbuktoo?"
The interviewer looked at the other bloke (a bit of a suit & tie pansie) and asked him to start. Mustering all his creativity, the pansie came up with the perfect poem that ended with 'Timbuktoo'.
"Out across the desert sands
rode a lonely caravan.
Underneath the sky so blue,
destination... Timbuktoo."
The interviewer was obviously impressed, but little did he know that I was about to unleash some poetic genius of my own. The interviewer turned to me, signalling me to commence.
"Camping, me and Tim a-went
Saw some ladies in a tent
They being three and we being two
I bucked one and Timbuktoo!"
YES! I got the job"