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ENGLISH THE FOREIGN: Which 3 do you find VERY funny?
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Posted by: jojomataketa
- 1) In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice. - --------------------------------------------------------------
- 2) In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. - ------------------------------------------------------------
- 3) In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. - --------------------------------------------------------------
- 4) In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. - -----------------------------------------------------------
- 5) In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk. - ----------------------------------------------------------
- 6) In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. - ----------------------------------------------------------
- 7) In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. - ----------------------------------------------------------
- 8) In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. - -----------------------------------------------------------
- 9) In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. - -------------------------------------------------------------
- 10) In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. - ------------------------------------------------------------
- 11) On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. - ------------------------------------------------------------
- 12) On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. - -------------------------------------------------------------
- 13) Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs. - ---------------------------------------------------------------
- 14) In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results. - ----------------------------------------------------------------
- 15) In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. - ---------------------------------------------------------------
- 16) From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. - -------------------------------------------------------------
- 17) A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. - ----------------------------------------------------------------
- 18) In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. - --------------------------------------------------------------------
- 19) In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. - --------------------------------------------------------------------
- 20) In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. - --------------------------------------------------------------------
- 21) In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. - -----------------------------------------------------------------
- 22) Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass? - -----------------------------------------------------------------
- 23) In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. - ------------------------------------------------------------------
- 24) In a Tokyo bar:
Special c***tails for the ladies with nuts. - ----------------------------------------------------------------
- 25) In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions. - -------------------------------------------------------------------
- 26) On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. - -------------------------------------------------------------
- 27) In a Norwegian c***tail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. - --------------------------------------------------------------
- 28) In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. - ------------------------------------------------------------------
- 29) In the office of a Romanian doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases. - -----------------------------------------------------------------
- 30) In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here. - ----------------------------------------------------------------
- 31) In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. - ----------------------------------------------------------------
- 32) From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. - --------------------------------------------------------------------
- 33) From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. - ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by: forwardone
What a FANTASTIC compilation these are. They are all great. I particularly like these three:-
8) In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
I never knew the Japanese were SO liberal. 
11) On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
I know the Swiss aren`t exactly renowned for their wines, but are they bad enough to drive drinkers to despair? 
14) In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
WOW! I`ve heard about what some of the Thais get up to but THIS? 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Yes, very amusing!
As our sense of humour is slightly different from each other, it would be interesting to see which ones the members of this forum find more funny.
Cheers
jojomataketa
Posted by: jojomataketa
There are so many that I liked, but I choose these 3:
#13
#22
#24
Cheers
jojomataketa
Posted by: forwardone
I suspect that many of us who`ve been on holiday to non-English parts have experiences such as those you`ve posted here, jojo. The trouble is we often forget what`s caught our attention, so whoever compiled these little treasures has brought back a few memories. 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
MAN O' MAN!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady idignantly. In this country we don‘t talk about our sex lives in public! Hey, coola down lady,said the man. Who talkin‘ abouta sexa? I‘m a justa tellin‘ my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
Posted by: jojomataketa
PUNCTUATION
Example of how words can say the same thing but with different punctuation can mean totally different!! Enjoy .
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing,"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Now, which sentence above do YOU prefer?
Posted by: forwardone
I`d best stay neutral, but it`s proof indeed that punctuation can often change the meaning of a sentence.
Posted by: jojomataketa
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. .and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. .. and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.
24. … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow
Posted by: forwardone
Definitely `English The Foreign,` jojo. Some of those are brilliant.
Quote:
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
|
So, that`s how it`s done eh? 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
Definitely `English The Foreign,` jojo. Some of those are brilliant.
|
These especially made me LOL!
3. .and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
Posted by: jojomataketa
The English Lesson: I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
* We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
*The farm was used to produce produce.
*The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
*The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
*This was a good time to present the present.
*A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
*When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
*I did not object to the object.
*The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
*The bandage was wound around the wound.
*There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
*They were too close to the door to close it.
*The buck does funny things when the does are present.
*They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
*To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
*The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
*After a number of injections my jaw got number.
*Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
*I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
*How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
*She could not live with a live mouse in the house.
*It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.
*His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.
*We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.
*There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.
*You should spring that on us next spring!
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/imag...b_416_getty.jpg
(To be read out loud)
"That's not right"
Sum Ting Wong
"Are you harbouring a fugitive?"
Hu Yu Hai Ding
"See me ASAP"
Kum Hia Nao
"There goes Stupid Man"
Dum Dum Wa King
"Small Horse"
Tai Ni Po Ni
"Did you go to the beach?"
Wai Yu So Tan
"I bumped into a coffee table"
Ai Bang Mai Ni
"I think you need a face lift"
Chin Tu Fat
"It's very dark in here"
Wao So Dim
"I thought you were on a diet"
Wai Yu Mun Ching
"This is a tow away zone"
No Pah King
"Our meeting is next week"
Wai Yu Kum Nao
"Staying out of sight!"
Lei Ying Lo
"He's cleaning his automobile"
Wa Shing Ka
"Your body odour is offensive"
Yu Stin Ki Pu
"Great"
Su Pah
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/imag...b_416_getty.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
(Spellings have been left intact.)
1– MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR’S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2– PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
3– DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC’s JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4– PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5– PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6– JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7– CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8– MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9– CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10– PLEASE EXCUS! E RAY FR IDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11– PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )’s WERE CROSSED OUT].
12– PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.~ HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13– IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14– PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER’S FAULT.
15– I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16– PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17– SALLY WON’T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18– MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
19– PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.~ HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20– PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.~ SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
21– GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
22– PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23– MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.! HER SIS TER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN’T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
http://www.mystudios.com/treasure/m...unch-scream.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
- On an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
- Outside a radiator repair shop. "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."
- In a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
- In a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
- In a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
- In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
- In the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
- At entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
- At the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
- In a bookstore: "We treat you write."
- On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian - except the dog."
- In an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
- On a physicist’s door: "Gone fission."
- In a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
- On a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
- In a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
- On used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
- On fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
- In a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
- In a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
- At a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
- In a science teacher's room:
"If it moves, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics." - In butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."
- On auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
- At the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."
- On a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."
- On a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
- In an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Posted by: forwardone
lol, it`s amazing what can be done with our language, particularly Engish with it`s variety of spellings for the same-sounding words. 
Posted by: clifton
Cool picks, jojo, laughed a lot
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/blonde-jokes.gif
1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name.?”
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine”
3 . “Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
6. Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
8. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?” The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by
buying me a drink.”
9. Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”
10. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS !
Posted by: jojomataketa
A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possibe.
The instructions were: the story must contain the following three elements:
1. Religion, 2. Sexuality, 3. Mystery.
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class.
"Good God! I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?"
http://www.cchealth.org/services/pe...man_200_330.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
In a resthome in Rome triplet sisters were celebrating their 100th birthday and naturally this milestone attracted a lot of media attention, both local and international.
An American journalist got the chance to interview them and because the triplets were in a fragile state questions were limited to one question to each sister per journalist. The American thought she would ask them all the same question “ If you could have your time over again who would you most like to come back as, apart from yourselves?”
The first sister replied in a heavy Italian accent “Mama Mia that’s-a-easy. I-a-would-a-come-a-back-a -as Madonna”. “Why is that asks the journalist?” Because shes-a-rich and a-famous and a-glamorous but-a most importantly she has-a lotsa and lotsa boyfriends yes”.
Fair enough thinks the Journalist and she gets a similar reply from the second sister although having real trouble understanding the accent ‘Mama Mia for-a-me it-a would-a-be Britney Spears cos-a shes a-rich and a-famous and a-beautiful but a-most of all is-a she has-a- lotsa and lotsa boyfriends yes”. Fair enough she thinks and wonders what famous celebrity the third sister would like to be, but this time really has trouble understanding the dialogue. “Mama Mia thats-a-easy. It-a would-a be Sarah Pipileeny cos-a-she-has-a lotsa and lotsa and lotsa sex yes".
Not knowing who Sarah Pipileeny is the journalist quizzes her on this “Sorry but I know Madonna and Britney but I’ve never heard of this women. Is she a local celebrity?” The fragile centurion senses the language barrier and picks up the newspaper and points to the headlines “Sarah Pipileeny, see lotsa boyfriends”. The headlines read ‘SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 100 MEN IN ONE DAY’
Posted by: jojomataketa
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Stevie then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Stevie dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing........ "A jazz chord to say I ruv you...!!"
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/imag...uitar_203ap.jpg
http://tinyurl.com/y5w3nx
Posted by: forwardone
I reary rike that.
Posted by: jojomataketa
An apostrophe is such a tiny thing, but it can have a big effect on a sentence.
Can you use apostrophes properly? Try answering this quiz.
1. Which is right?
a)The Smiths' house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. b) The Smiths's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. c) The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. d) The Smith's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
2. Which is right?
a) The changes were for the better. b) The changes' were for the better. c) The change's were for the better.
3. Which is right?
a) He always let's me go first. b) He always lets me go first.
4. Which is right?
a) Its not as bad as it seems. b) It's not as bad as it seems.
5. Which is right?
a) I've given the cat its dinner. b) I've given the cat it's dinner. c) Ive given the cat its dinner.
6. Which is right?
a) Your perfectly within your rights. b) You're perfectly within your rights. c) You're perfectly within you're rights.
7. Which is right?
a) My monies on David's cricket team. b) My moneys on Davids cricket team. c) My monies' on David's cricket team. d) My money's on David's cricket team. e) My moneys on Davids cricket team.
8. Which is right?
a) The 60s were a great decade for pop art. b) The 60's were a great decade for pop art.
----------------------------------------------------------------
List your answers. I will give the correct answers in 4 days time. Cheers!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Posted by: forwardone
I`ll have a go at this. If I get too many of these wrong I won`t be able to show my face for a while though being that I am English.
An apostrophe is such a tiny thing, but it can have a big effect on a sentence.
Can you use apostrophes properly? Try answering this quiz.
1. Which is right?
a)The Smiths' house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. b) The Smiths's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. c) The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. d) The Smith's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
d
2. Which is right?
a) The changes were for the better. b) The changes' were for the better. c) The change's were for the better.
a
3. Which is right?
a) He always let's me go first. b) He always lets me go first.
b
4. Which is right?
a) Its not as bad as it seems. b) It's not as bad as it seems.
b
5. Which is right?
a) I've given the cat its dinner. b) I've given the cat it's dinner. c) Ive given the cat its dinner.
a
6. Which is right?
a) Your perfectly within your rights. b) You're perfectly within your rights. c) You're perfectly within you're rights.
b
7. Which is right?
a) My monies on David's cricket team. b) My moneys on Davids cricket team. c) My monies' on David's cricket team. d) My money's on David's cricket team. e) My moneys on Davids cricket team.
d
8. Which is right?
a) The 60s were a great decade for pop art. b) The 60's were a great decade for pop art.
a I think
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
I`ll have a go at this.
|
Hi Geoff,
I can tell you that you did not get 100% correct. I will give the answers on 5/12/06. Come on, the rest of you guys, have a go! When I did the quiz, I had 2 wrong!
Cheers!
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
Hi Geoff,
I can tell you that you did not get 100% correct.
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I`m intrigued.
Maybe our other members feel they might embarrass themselves. lol
Posted by: nunulka
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by jojomataketa
An apostrophe is such a tiny thing, but it can have a big effect on a sentence.
Can you use apostrophes properly? Try answering this quiz.
1. Which is right?
a)The Smiths' house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. b) The Smiths's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. c) The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. d) The Smith's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
I think... A (Plural)
2. Which is right?
a) The changes were for the better. b) The changes' were for the better. c) The change's were for the better.
A
3. Which is right?
a) He always let's me go first. b) He always lets me go first.
B
4. Which is right?
a) Its not as bad as it seems. b) It's not as bad as it seems.
B
5. Which is right?
a) I've given the cat its dinner. b) I've given the cat it's dinner. c) Ive given the cat its dinner.
A
6. Which is right?
a) Your perfectly within your rights. b) You're perfectly within your rights. c) You're perfectly within you're rights.
B
7. Which is right?
a) My monies on David's cricket team. b) My moneys on Davids cricket team. c) My monies' on David's cricket team. d) My money's on David's cricket team. e) My moneys on Davids cricket team.
D
8. Which is right?
a) The 60s were a great decade for pop art. b) The 60's were a great decade for pop art.
A
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List your answers. I will give the correct answers in 4 days time. Cheers!
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I am not an english native speaker but I will try it.
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by nunulka
I am not an english native speaker but I will try it. |
Hi nunulka,
Good on you for trying the quiz. I will post the answers in about 12 hours from now. Cheers!
Posted by: forwardone
Nice test, jojo. Let`s hope some other members take up the challenge.
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by nunulka
I am not an english native speaker but I will try it. |
Hi Nanulka, I herby confer on you the Honorary degree, Dr of Letters...Dr Nanulka...because, WOW, ALL your answers were correct! Geoff had almost all correct, except the 1st answer! I will confer on him the title of proxime accessit.
1. Which is right?
a)The Smiths' house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. b) The Smiths's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. c) The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it. d) The Smith's house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
A
2. Which is right?
a) The changes were for the better. b) The changes' were for the better. c) The change's were for the better.
A
3. Which is right?
a) He always let's me go first. b) He always lets me go first.
B
4. Which is right?
a) Its not as bad as it seems. b) It's not as bad as it seems.
B
5. Which is right?
a) I've given the cat its dinner. b) I've given the cat it's dinner. c) Ive given the cat its dinner.
A
6. Which is right?
a) Your perfectly within your rights. b) You're perfectly within your rights. c) You're perfectly within you're rights.
B
7. Which is right?
a) My monies on David's cricket team. b) My moneys on Davids cricket team. c) My monies' on David's cricket team. d) My money's on David's cricket team. e) My moneys on Davids cricket team.
D
8. Which is right?
a) The 60s were a great decade for pop art. b) The 60's were a great decade for pop art.
A
Posted by: forwardone
nunulka, that`s fantastic, particularly as you say English isn`t your mother tongue.
jojo, I don`t think you mentioned which two you got wrong? lol
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
jojo, I don`t think you mentioned which two you got wrong? lol
|
7 and 8 !
Posted by: nunulka
Thanks guys! 
That´s surprising. Of course, I have some problems with English and from time to time it is not easy for me but I´m glad to be here to communicate with you. Thanks to you I´m getting better in English.
And have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by nunulka
Thanks guys! That´s surprising. Of course, I have some problems with English and from time to time it is not easy for me but I´m glad to be here to communicate with you. Thanks to you I´m getting better in English.
And have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
|
lol, very true. English isn`t an easy language to master. One thing though, how on earth do they work out genders in the French language? How can a street, for example, be determined to be masculine, or feminine?
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
lol, genders in the French language? How can a street, for example, be determined to be masculine, or feminine? |
That is easy!...Just look at the curves!
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.
He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault I'm in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date". "Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Sri Ram Buddhu Gowda, a newly arrived Indian immigrant walks into a crowded doctor's office in London. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something very bad small wrong with my 'c*c* dick'," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Thousand apologies, bapre'bap, but why not I can't say like that? You the asked me what was the wrong with my body part and I the told you so with the direct face with no lying toad" he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something very bad small wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I try and try, but no can piss out of it." the man replied.
Posted by: jojomataketa
A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.
"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist.
"What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"The one the Angel told Joseph to take."
Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt..........."