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Golf Stories:#1: BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!
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Posted by: jojomataketa
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Posted by: forwardone
Seems like the golf course can be a dangerous place to hang out. 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And she hit me in the neck with her driver! #$@*"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Yeah, It IS a dangerous place!
http://www.amazingavenue.com/img/photo04.jpg
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
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Originally Posted by jojomataketa
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Is it just my computer or what, but all I`m seeing is a red X in the top left corner of this page? 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
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Originally Posted by forwardone
Is it just my computer or what, but all I`m seeing is a red X in the top left corner of this page?
Geoff |
Yes, happened to me too!...Then I copied and pasted this link
http://www.amazingavenue.com/img/photo04.jpg
on the web address bar (don't just click it!) and could see the picture!
Geoff
Posted by: golddust
A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf.....
Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my lamp and my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 55," she responded breathlessly.
" No kidding," he said, "Fifty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Posted by: forwardone
Love it!
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Jesus and St. Peter were teeing it up in front of a 250 yard carry over a lake.
St. Peter asked Jesus what club he was going to use. Jesus replied, "A 1 Iron."
St. Peter said, "Only Tiger Woods can hit a 1 Iron that far."
Ignoring the advice, Jesus hits 3 balls in the water and starts walking on the water to retrieve his balls.
About that time a foursome behind them comes up on the tee, and one golfer shouts, "Jesus Christ, who does that guy think he is!"
St. Peter replies, "Tiger Woods"
Posted by: jojomataketa
GOLF PARTNER:
A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."
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BORIS YELTSIN:
"I especially love driving down a hill directly at a tree and swerving to one side at the last moment.That's my way to relax.".
Boris Yeltsin, on the joys of driving his golf cart
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GOLF COURSE OR ...
Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".
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Posted by: jojomataketa
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there then stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well, one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress!" complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A WISH FULFILLED!
"The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So, I tied her up and went golfing"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.
He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?"
He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
http://i4.ebayimg.com/02/i/04/d8/1d/e6_1_sbl.JPG
Posted by: jojomataketa
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"
"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't
sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped
around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."
"Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won
every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit
right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When
I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the
other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was,
so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in
there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"
"That was the last thing I remember."
http://www.lumatec.com/logolights/r.../lg/028golf.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
http://a.abclocal.go.com/images/kab...05_200trump.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.tigerwoods.com.ar/tiger-woods7.jpg
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
http://steviewonder.free.fr/photos/big/stevie007.jpg
Posted by: forwardone
Now THAT`S good!!
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/C...ed_7a.widec.jpg
A friend of mine, Fero, was an avid golfer, and so was his wife. One day, completely out of the blue, Slavka turned to him and asked him if he’d take a lover after she died. My friend was stunned to say the least.
“Of course not, what a question.”
“Well, I want to know. You’re a fit man. I wouldn’t mind,” she said.
“Oh, then perhaps, in time, I don’t know but perhaps.”
“And would you bring her back here, to our house?” she asked.
“Well, I suppose in time, yes, I would.” Answered my friend very unhappily.
“And in time would you sleep with her, in our bed?” was her next question.
“Well, you know, darling, that might happen. I suppose.”
“And would you let her play with my clubs?”
“Oh no, I wouldn’t do that,” answered Fero, glad at last to be able say “no” to something.
“But why not?” asked Slavka.
“Because she’s left handed.”
Posted by: forwardone
Someone got caught out. lol
Posted by: jojomataketa
This couple meet up whilst on holiday, and end up realising they have something special. They are talking to each other about committment issues and the guy says he has something to admit. "I have a problem with golf. I can't think about anything else, and I need to play all the time". The woman thinks about this and said "I have a confession too...I'm a hooker". The guys thinks about this for a few seconds and says "can't you do some wrist strengthening exercises to overcome this?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.
An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, "look at the preacher. He should punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!
The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?"
God smiled and said, "I did....think about it....who can he tell about this?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."