Pages: 1
DOCTOR JOKES...(Please add yours too!)
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: jojomataketa
Incompetent Nurse
---------------------
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about the
new nurse.
"She's incredibly incompetent," said the first doctor. "She does
everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a
patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
"That's nothing," said the second doctor. "Earlier this week, I told
her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him
24 enemas in one hour! The guy almost exploded!"
Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream echoed down the hall.
"Oh no!" cried the first doctor. "I just realized I told the new nurse to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by: jojomataketa
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Posted by: forwardone
Doctor's Voices
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality . . .
"Howard, you're a Veterinarian..." 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
A nurse was in line at the grocery checkout. After her items were
totaled, she pulled out her checkbook. Then she reached into her
pocket, pulled out a rectal thermometer, and tried to write up the
check.
"Perhaps this would work better miss," said the cashier, holding out a
pen.
The nurse looked somewhat embarrassed as she tucked away the
thermometer.
"Well that's just great," she said. "Some asshole's got my pen."
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
A God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
After receiving his ********** from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
who spy up your rectum and look down your throats,
and press you and poke you with sterilized tools,
and stab at solutions that pacify fools.
I used to revere them and do what they said
till I learned what they learned on was already dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
|
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed.
“Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his **********s. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered…
“Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.”
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
and finally…
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.
(Dr. wouldn’t give his name)
Posted by: jojomataketa
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional! In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem? "It's swollen," Fred replied.
http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/im...sticular_091204
Posted by: jojomataketa
An Irish man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irish man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irish man nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skippin' !!!!!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Posted by: MarieJoy
hahahahahahaha thanks for these jokes guys it makes me laugh and carry away my problems
Posted by: jojomataketa
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso came out and it was yellow. "Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"