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Relationships
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Posted by: jojomataketa
CAUGHT OUT!!
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Posted by: betrdanevr
Oh, beautiful!!! :-) rofl!
Posted by: jojomataketa
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN...
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN...
Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
Posted by: forwardone
Just proves that us men are less demanding than the fairer sex. 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
Just proves that us men are less demanding than the fairer sex.
Geoff |
............And braver, as the next joke shows!
Posted by: jojomataketa
The Smith's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Posted by: jojomataketa
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There is water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,"In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage, remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married"
then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same:
"You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie.
The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it Just Once.
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Posted by: forwardone
Any misogynists out there?
Geoff
Posted by: forwardone
Here`s some more. 
http://www.matrimonialbank.com/jokes.html
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
chocolate chip cookies
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up from the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced
himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table,
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was
it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted;
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakingly made
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A lesson in phychology
A very shy man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
Posted by: forwardone
So, keep psychology in the classroom?
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
25th wedding anniversary
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
Posted by: jojomataketa
George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty,how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask **** Cheney, his vice president the same question. "Hey,****. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Posted by: forwardone
That`s a good one, jojo. 
I wonder who the Queen`s Prime Minister will be in one month`s time?
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon,
why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?".
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
Posted by: jojomataketa
What's For Supper, Honey?
A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
Posted by: betrdanevr
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by jojomataketa
A lesson in phychology
A very shy man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
|
Oh, that one had me on the FLOOR!!!
Posted by: jojomataketa
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice:
"Darling," he says, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck: "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 65 mph. "and," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies, in a quiet controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need, " she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "the airbag."
Posted by: jojomataketa
The nasty man gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third
day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left.
When her husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steamed cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid for to replace
the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ... repairmen refused to work in the house ... the maid quit ... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a large sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back ... knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed to the price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she were to sign the
papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyer delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...
... including the curtain rods.
Posted by: forwardone
So no more of this
just this 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Posted by: forwardone
Good one jojo.
Posted by: jojomataketa
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?
“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
Services for the new husband will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Green Roots Mortuary.
.
Posted by: jojomataketa
"My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign.
Togeather we make mud..."
Posted by: jojomataketa
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.
“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
http://bwaanaman.freeweb-hosting.co...rolls_royce.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
http://www.hedweb.com/animimag/amorous-pigs.jpg
http://www.barren.k12.ky.us/adminis...Pigs%202002.GIF
Posted by: forwardone
ELEVEN people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter -ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.....
Posted by: forwardone
Following John Howard's daily routine, Tony started jogging every morning near his Downing St home.
Every morning on his chosen route, he would pass an
attractive prostitute standing on a street corner.He
learned to brace himself as he approached her, for what
was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds." She'd shout from the kerb.
"No, Five pounds." Tony would reply is his usual jocular
manner.
This ritual between Tony and the 'Lady of the Morning
became a daily routine.
He'd run, she'd yell. "Fifty pounds." ;
He'd yell back. "Five pounds."
One day Cherie decided that she wanted to run with
Tony, As the jogging couple neared the 'working womans
patch, Tony realised that she would bark her usual fifty
pounds offer, and Cherie would wonder what he'd been up
to on all his recent daily outings.
He figured that he'd better have a damn good
explanation for Cherie and as they turned towards
corner he was racking his brains trying to come up with
some believable explanation.
Sure enough, there she was standing on the corner as
usual. Tony tried to avoid her eyes as she silently
watched the pair jog past.
Then from behind them, she yelled, "See what you get
for Five quid."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.
But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.
She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more
romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "That's incredible! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out of my life!"
Posted by: forwardone
Poor guy. lol
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old couple were sitting on a Porch. The old lady gets up and moves to the old man and gives him a clip around the head, the old man says "what the hell was that for?" she replies"for 60yrs of bad sex!!!!" Old man continues to rock in his chair, then gats up and gives her a clip around the head and then sits down, "oy you old bugger! What was that for?" Old man replies, "That my dear is for knowing the difference!!!!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong, why are you so down today?".
The man said "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".
The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?
The man said "Well, the month is up tonight".
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Posted by: jojomataketa
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
Posted by: jojomataketa
My wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot about it: 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!' Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present I had thoughtfully bought............................ A month later I find myself separated and now divorced, You know I just can't figure it out. Especially after me getting her exactly what she asked for. What do you think?? Here is a picture of the present I gave her.... (scroll down)
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.http://www.westons.com/acatalog/hansonb.jpg
http://images.acclaimimages.com/_ga...007-2923_SM.jpg
Posted by: clifton
Wow, a great present! I'll use the idea for her birthday
Posted by: jojomataketa
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
The wife replierd, "He said you're going to die"
Posted by: jojomataketa
When she appeared before the Judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches Your Honor.” The Judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The Judge then asked her, “How many peaches were in the can?”
She replied, “Six.”
The Judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The Judge said, “What is it?
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Posted by: jojomataketa
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Posted by: jojomataketa
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your t***!," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and PUSHED his wife in! "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen! I want you for my wife."
"Oh," she says, "that's different. Send her in!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" "Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Posted by: jojomataketa
The wife was standing at the stove preparing breakfast, cooking eggs. Husband came into the kitchen and she turned and said to him " I want you to make love to me now--right now, right this minute". His eyes lit up as he thought to himself, wow this is great, I can't believe my luck and he grabbed her, threw her onto the kitchen table and gave her his all, madly and passionately. When he had finished, she straightened herself up and turned back to the stove and continued cooking breakfast. He was rather puzzled by what had just happened so said, "Tell me, what was that all about?"....."Egg timer's broken" she replied.
Posted by: forwardone
Poor guy.
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old man & woman were married for years but they hated each other. During a confrontation, screams & yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic & was responsible for missing cats and dogs & strange sounds at all hours. He was feared & enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances & the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar & began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up & out of the grave to come back & haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife replied..."let the old ******* dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge, big enough to keep it in!" The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $27,000 on a new car, " he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left for a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her - and she isn't even a male!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Father O’Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears rolling down her face. "Oh Father," she cries, "I have terrible news!" "What is it my child?" She says, "My husband died last night." "Oh Mary," says the priest, "That’s terrible news. But tell me - did he have any last requests?" "Yes he did, Father." "And what exactly did he ask, Mary?" "He said ‘Please, Mary. Put the gun down.’"
Posted by: tango4web
[Posting on behalf of jojomataketa due to temporary indisposition]
Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. " I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, " but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, 'a sample'." The woman was shocked. " Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman!" The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal...a sample." She thought a minute. Then she said, "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references."
Posted by: jojomataketa
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?" God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/images/..._cheesedoff.jpg
http://images.google.co.nz/url?q=ht..._2r_cbXU_N2-KmA
Posted by: jojomataketa
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "
That would be fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Posted by: forwardone
Not new, but still good....
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh, Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Posted by: jojomataketa
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
Posted by: forwardone
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Posted by: jojomataketa
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"Ten boys."
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"
"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."