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Funny Annecdotes

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Posted by: jojomataketa

To a Young Man

On How to Choose a Mistress

By Benjamin Franklin

June 25, 1745

My dear friend,

I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclination you mentioned; and if I did, I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness.


But if you will not take this counsel and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox and demand my reasons.

They are these:

(1) Because they have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

(2) Because when Women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue aimiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an Old Woman who is not a good woman.

(3) Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

(4) Because through more Experience they are more Prudent and Discrete in conducting an Intrigue to prevent suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And, with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerable people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsel and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

(5) Because every animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest part. The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Circle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are grey, the pleasures of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal and frequently superior; every Knack being by Practise capable of Improvement.

(6) Because the Sin is less. The debauching of a Virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

(7) Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflictions; none of which can attend the making of an Old Woman happy.

(8) and lastly - they are so grateful.

Thus much of my paradox. But, still I advise you to marry directly, being sincerely

Your affectionate friend,
Benjamin Franklin
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About the Author
Did Franklin actually write something so frank? Yes, according to H.W. Brands, author of The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin (New York: Doubleday, 2000), pp. 172-174.

"The subject of this letter was so shocking to the sensibility of the several generations that followed Franklin's that the piece was effectively suppressed for nearly two centuries," Brands writes. Of course, they didn't have the Internet then, and it can be suppressed no longer.


At the time Franklin himself was living with his common-law wife, Deborah Read. They would have married but for the inconvenient fact that she was already married to John Rogers, who may or may not have earlier married someone else in England without divorcing her to marry Deborah. In other words he was possibly a bigamist. But he disappeared to the West Indies when being found out. Then came rumors that Rogers was dead.

The law in Pennsylvania didn't allow Deborah to divorce him for mere desertion. If Deborah and Benjamin had married and Rogers then returned, the couple could have been sentenced for bigamy, which was then punished by life imprisonment at hard labor. Investigating all this was beyond Deborah's and Benjamin's means.

So in September 1730 they took the expedient of simply living together. From the first, they raised Benjamin's illegitimate son, William, who was born in late 1730 or early 1731 to a woman whose name never became known.
Benjamin knew about mistresses, alright!
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Posted by: forwardone

Quote:
Benjamin knew about mistresses, alright!
No wonder he was such an `expert` on the subject.

Geoff


Posted by: jojomataketa

Advice for Pre-Meds

Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter. Hope this helps.

Dont ask me but somehow I received your message about Medical School. I amjust starting my 3rd year clerkships as a medical student at LSU in NewOrleans, LA. There are a few things I would like to tell you before you startmedical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may notrepresent the opinions of anyone else in this entire world....so take it with a grain of salt.

01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine before I got in.

02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, etc...to get to med school.

03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.

04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more... and then be prepared to not do well on the test.

05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came as a shock to me).

06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.

07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be c***y. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large number of people.

08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal" that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.

09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in college.

10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They want you to know everything about everything, and some more in between. People quit after every exam.

11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a doctor.

12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bull**** and you know nothing and can't remember the rest.

13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to Honor.

14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY, OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, etc...so basically, everyone who graduates is a doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want to be.

15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to be a doctor.

16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now have a huge loan to pay back.

17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.

18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.

19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude, your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.

20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.

21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).

22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.

23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever have a life. Same goes for your money.

24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.

25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this is not you.

26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family, friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.

27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in medical school BUT you.

28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your performance in medical school.

29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.

30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year, and give you more time for other things while your classmates are "learning how to use the microscope".

31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your medical school histology class if you know it well enough.

32 - You may have thought that all the BULL**** classes you took in high school/college would come to an end when you got to medical school ... sorry...they are still there.

33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.

34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.

35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just memorize answers.

36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships around being a student. No one will understand that you need to study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me. I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for studying.

37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are too tired to study..go to sleep.

38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe making C's is your maximum performance level.

39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc. They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow). You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into medical school.

40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the 4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful what you say, because people are listening.

41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school. They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.

In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a doctor...be very sure you wantto be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bull**** about "helping people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.


Posted by: forwardone

It`s a wonder we have any doctors that make it!

Geoff


Posted by: jojomataketa

This is a supposedly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........ and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz Style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a More intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Aries.


Posted by: jojomataketa

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling,
"Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."


Posted by: forwardone

Quote:
Originally Posted by jojomataketa
This is a supposedly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........ and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz Style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a More intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Aries.

Quote:
and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Well they do say honesty is the best policy!!


Posted by: jojomataketa

A saleswoman is driving through the Reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.
What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman.
It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman.
The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade"



Posted by: jojomataketa

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, was admitted to NYU.

Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby ****, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.


Posted by: jojomataketa

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and
how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the
students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class
into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked
to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



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