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ENJOY IRISH JOKES?..Yes, you do!..Add yours too!

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Posted by: jojomataketa

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years."
"Will you be able to recognise him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all that time."
"I wonder if he will recognise you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."
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On the Other side of the Irish Sea, two Irishmen were travelling through Dorset when they saw a sign saying : CLEAN REST ROOM AHEAD.
So they did.
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Pat: "Er, is that British Airways? Can you tell me how long it takes to fly from Dublin to London?"
Booking Clerk: "Just a minute, sir..."
Pat: "O.K. Thanks a lot," and he hung up.
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On a small charter flight out of Dublin there are only four passengers. An English businessman, a French priest, an Irishman who is the Brain of Ireland and an Australian mountaineer with his rucksack.
Suddenly the pilot enters the cabin looking white-faced. He apologises for the inconvenience but announces that due to engine failure the plane is about to crash.
"Regrettably there are only four parachutes," he announces, "but I know you'll agree that I should take one so I can report the cause of the crash." So saying, he grabs a 'chute and jumps.
The priest says he has a flock a five thousand souls to look after and he is a very important person to them. He grabs the second parachute and jumps.
Then the Brain of Ireland steps forward and says he has to represent Ireland in the Brain of the World competition next month, so for the Old Country's sake he feels he has to take a parachute. So saying, he jumps.
The Englishman turns to the Australian and says: "Well, old boy, one 'chute left. What do we do now?"
"No worries, mate," says the Aussie, "there are still two 'chutes - the ****** Brain of Ireland took my ****** rucksack."
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The Irish sergeant-major was drilling a squad of new recruits.
"Left, left, left, right, left," he barked. "Right turn," he challenged.
Try as he might, he could not get the recruits to form a straight line once the squad had changed direction.
"What's the matter with you," he shouted in exasperation. "Can't you line up at all? That line is as crooked as a corkscrew. All of you fall out and take a look at it."
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"Is this soldier dangerously wounded?" an Irish doctor was asked.
"Two of the wounds are fatal," he replied, "but the third can be cured, provided the patient gets a few weeks' rest."
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Paddy got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT..
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The midday whistle had blown when Murphy shouted, "Has anyone seen me vest?"
"Sure, Murphy," said Pat, "and you've got it on."
"Right and I have," replied Murphy, gazing solemnly at his bosom, "and its a good thing you saw it or I'd have gone home without it."
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Then there were the two Irishmen painting a house.
Pat: "Have you got a good hold on that paint brush, Mick?"
Mick: "Yes I have, Pat. Why?"
Pat: "Well, hold on tight because I'm taking this ladder away."
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Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while. But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started. Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is three centimetres taller than the white horse?"
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Pat's cat was feeling out of sorts so Pat called in the vet.
"There's nothing really the matter with your cat ," said the vet.
"It's all perfectly natural, she's going to have kittens."
"That's impossible," said Pat, "she's a prize-winning cat and I've never let her out of my sight for a moment. She's never been near a tom cat in her life."
"How about him over there?" asked the vet, pointing to a big tom cat sitting on the couch smiling to himself.
"Don't be ridiculous,: said Pat, "that's her brOther."
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An Englishman and an Irishman were sharing a railway carriage and the Englishman had with him a large dog.
"What sort of a dog is that?" asked the Irishman.
"It's a cross between an Irishman and an ape," said the Englishman.
"In that case," said the Irishman, "it's related to both of us."
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A fellow was explaining to Michael Murphy how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiencies.
"For example," he told him, "if a man is deaf, he may have keener sight, and if a man is blind, he may have a very keen sense of smell." "I think I see what you mean," said Michael," I've often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the Other one is always a little bit longer."
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Then there was Barry O'Loughlin who went to the doctor to get some medicine as he wasn't feeling very well.
"This is pretty strong stuff," said the doctor, "so take some the first day, then skip a day, take some again then skip anOther day and so on."
A few months later the doctor met Barry's wife and asked her how he was.
"Oh, he's dead," she told him.
"Didn't the medicine I prescribed do him any good?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, the medicine was fine," she replied. "It was all that skipping that killed him."
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An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an advertisement in a shop window for chain saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day". So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day.
He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain saw, he switched it on.
"What's that noise?" said the Irishman.
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NEWSFLASH!!
Thieves escaped with over half a million pounds from a Galway bank last night.
Police are baffled trying to figure out the motive for the crime.
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A Dubliner was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. That judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the Dubliner. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
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At a political rally the Tory speaker was having trouble.
"Rah for Ireland!" yelled Pat.
"Rah for hell!" roared a disgusted Tory.
"Everyone for his own country!" came back Pat.
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Two Irishmen, one very fat and the Other very thin, once decided to fight a duel with pistols. Their seconds decided that the thin man had an unfair advantage because of the bigger target that the fat man presented. Finally they agreed that the figure of the thin man be chalked on the body of the fat man and that any bullets hitting the fat man outside the line would not count.
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With too many ales under their belts, a couple of Englishmen decided to pick a fight with the Irishman who was a regular at their London pub.
"Just watch this, Charles," said one. "I'll make him so hopping mad he'll have to hit me and start the fight," and he wandered over to Paddy.
"Listen here, my man," he said in a lofty tone, "do you know St. Patrick?"
"Yes sir, certainly. Well not to say know him personally but I know of him, certainly sir," said Paddy.
"Well, you'll know then that he was a moron," the Englishman went on.
"No, sir," said Paddy politely. "No, I didn't know that. That's certainly interesting though. A moron you say."
"Not only that," the Englishman continued, slightly disconcerted by the lack of a desired response, "not only that, but St. Patrick was a $#%#head as well."
"You don't say, sir," replied Paddy. "Well, you live and learn, don't you, sir."
The Englishman gave up and went back to his ale. His friend Charles, who had heard the baiting, sprang to his feet.
"Leave it to me, I'll make him mad," he said, and weaved his way to Paddy's side.
"Listen here," he said to Paddy, "did you know St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"So your friend was just telling me, sir."
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Irish Graffiti: THANK GOD I'M AN ATHEIST
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Maureen was attending her convent school reunion where the Reverend MOther was asking each of her ex-pupils what career she had chosen.
"I've become a prostitute," said one, and the Reverend MOther promptly fainted.
When she was revived she asked the girl what she had said.
"A prostitute," repeated the girl.
"Thank Heavens," said the Reverend MOther, "I thought for a moment you had said Protestant."
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Irish barmaid: "I'm sorry, sir, the bar will not be open for half an hour - would you like a drink while you're waiting?"
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An English M.P. was once accosted by a distinctly drunk Irishman in the lobby of the House of Commons.
"Sir," said the Irishman, "you're a fool."
"Sir," retorted the Englishman, "you're drunk."
"I may be," replied the Irishman, "but I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll still be a fool."
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How do you make a Kerry ****tail?
Take a half glass of whisky and add it to anOther half glass of whisky.
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Ted Mulligan was in court charged with stealing a cow.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge.
"Not guilty," answered Ted.
"Is this the first time you've been up before me?" asked the judge.
"I don't know," said Ted, "what time do you get up at?"
"No," said the judge, "I mean is this the first time you've been in court?"
"Yes," said Ted, "I've never stolen anything before."
The court erupted with laughter so the judge shouted, "Order, order."
"I'll have a pint," said Mulligan.
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When Pat emigrated to America one of the first sights he saw was a dead millionaire being buried. The millionaire was dressed in a mohair suit and was encased in a golden coffin studded in diamonds.
"Now that," said Pat, "is what I really call living."
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Paddy and Mick were watching a John Wayne film on television. In one scene John Wayne was riding madly towards a cliff.
"I bet you 10 pounds that he falls over the cliff," said Paddy.
"Done," said Mick.
John Wayne rode straight over the cliff.
As Mick handed over his 10 pounds, Paddy said, "I feel a bit guilty about this. I've seen the film before."
"So have I," said Mick, "but I didn't think he'd be fool enough to make the same mistake twice."
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Pat and Mick were at a bingo session and one of them kept looking over the Other's shoulder and telling him when his numbers were being called.
Mick got annoyed and said, "Look, why don't you fill in your own card?"
"I can't," said Pat, "it's full."
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An old Irish woman was explaining to her neighbour that she didn't like teabags.
"By the time you'd have the corners cut off them and the tea taken out of them you'd have been as well off buying a full half pound of tea in a packet in the first place."
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Two Irishmen were boasting to each Other how dumb their sons were.
"Let me show you how bad my son Mick is," said the first. "Come here Mick," he said, calling him in. "Here's a pound, now go into town and buy me a Rolls-Royce." Off went Mick into town.
"That's nothing," said the second man. "Wait until you see my son Dinny. Come here Dinny; now go into town to Sullivan's pub and see if I'm there."
So off went Dinny.
On the way to town Mick and Dinny met and began to boast about how dumb their fathers were.
"Take my old man," said Mick. "He's just sent me into town with a pound to buy a Rolls-Royce, and every fool knows the salesrooms are closed today."
"That's nothing," said Dinny. "My old man is really the limit.He's just sent me into Sullivan's pub to see if he's there. Couldn't he have just picked up the phone by his elbow and found out for himself in a second?"
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Some Irish inventions :
The one-piece jigsaw puzzle
The inflatable dartboard for campers
An index to the dictionary
Waterproof teabags
A floodlit sundial for night use
A unisex maternity hospital
Boil-in-the-bag cornflakes
A hairdryer which works under water
A solar powered torch
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It was the Irish chess championships and the two Irish grandmasters were sitting with their heads bent over the board, contemplating their strategies. Radio, television and the newspapers waited with bated breath for the next move. Hours went by and there was no sign of anything happening, Then one of the grandmasters looked up and said, "Oh! Is it my move?"
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Had enough?...Ofcourse not!...Please add more!


Posted by: forwardone

Living in the UK I`ve heard a lot of Irish jokes over the years, which might or might not be Politically Correct nowadays, but most of the jokes are great. The Irish themselves have a great sense of humour, and some of the very best comedians come from one of the two `Irelands.`

One of the very best was Dave Allen, who although raised as a Roman Catholic became an atheist, and made jokes about the Church, the Pope, Bishops etc. His last line in a show was normally, "Goodnight, may your God go with you."

http://www.abc.net.au/am/content/2005/s1321981.htm

Quote:

ELIZABETH JACKSON: The Irish comedian, Dave Allen, has died. The funnyman who rose to fame in the 1960s while hosting a chat show in Australia died in his sleep at his west London home on Friday morning.

London Reporter Kirsten Aiken.

DAVE ALLEN: (applause) There's a drunk who arrives home and waiting for him is the very formidable figure of the wife. And she looks at him and she says, "Drunk Again?!" He says, "So am I." (Laughter)

She said, "What does the clock say?"
He says, "The clock says puck, bong, dingy, ticky, tick." (Laughter)

KIRSTEN AIKEN: Dave Allen, the standup comedian, who was renowned for sitting on a stool with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. A BBC talent show gave the former journalist his first break in 1959. But it was Australian television which offered him his own show.

Tonight with Dave Allen aired on Channel 9 in 1963. It ran for a year before the rising star headed back to Britain where he appeared in a variety of television comedy specials and series.

His career as a funnyman was to last 40 years.

DAVE ALLEN: Poor old Salman Rushdie. Geez if I was a Muslim I'd have been dead years ago. (Laughter)

KIRSTEN AIKEN: The head of comedy entertainment at the BBC, Jon Plowman, describes him as a wonderful comedian who will be greatly missed.

JON PLOWMAN: He did jokes that were quite serious about subjects at a time when a lot of comedians didn't. A lot of comedians did straight standup. And he thought hard. He was a kind of philosopher comedian as some of the good ones are.

KIRSTEN AIKEN: Dave Allen gave his last performance in 1999 but had been considering making a comeback. Many of his fans will feel shortchanged. When he died in his sleep this week, he was aged 68.

DAVE ALLEN: Thank you for listening. Whatever god you support, may he go with you. Goodnight. Thank you. (Applause)


ELIZABETH JACKSON: The late comedian, Dave Allen.
Geoff


Posted by: forwardone

OK, here`s a few more to add to jojo`s list.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."


A boasting American said to O'Connor, back in the States we can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks. O'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent.


Mick was showing an American some Irish marrow's and the American said that they had gherkins as big as marrow's. Then Mick showed him some cabbages, the American said that in the States they had brussel sprouts as big as them and that American cabbages are about 3 feet in diameter. Eventually the American pointed to some old gasometers and asked what they were. Mick replied there saucepans for cooking American cabbages.


An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collidon a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''


Irish toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.


Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
So that he will look forward to making the trip


When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.


Posted by: jojomataketa

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"


Posted by: jojomataketa

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem.”

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

“Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.”

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!”

Moment’s later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

“Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,” Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!”

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboardbox out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

“Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… and now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!”


Posted by: jojomataketa

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the pi$$. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police" Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" To which Mick replies " I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" Where upon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

.


Posted by: forwardone

Quote:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."




Posted by: jojomataketa

* Father O'Malley is so upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation. So on the next Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes they've ever set eyes on a ghost? "To his dismay a lot show their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must.Is there any one in church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said O'conner"Oops Father, thought you said Goat!"

* Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

* Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

* Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

* Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."

* Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his
brown suit and Mike's wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected
immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his
help. The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their heads"
* Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"


Posted by: forwardone

Some I`ve not heard of before.


Posted by: jojomataketa

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their face. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination "First body: Frenchman, 60, died from heart failure while making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner," this... is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning. "Why is he smiling then?"inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."


Posted by: forwardone

That was GREAT, jojo.


Posted by: clifton

Haha, literally loughed loudly on that one Great


Posted by: jojomataketa

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new BMW into an Irish gas station. An Irish attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things my, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for BMW think of everything!"
http://bigdug.com/movies/tiger.jpg


Posted by: jojomataketa

An Irishman applies for a job but the foreman wont employ him until he passes a little maths test.
" Here's your first question", the foreman said."Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks." Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman."
Fair enough," says the boss." Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree." Dere you go. "The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
"The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space for a while,then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred. "
The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred! "
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
http://parks.ci.lubbock.tx.us/Lo-Mi...203%20Trees.jpg


Posted by: forwardone

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"


Posted by: jojomataketa

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing!"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


Posted by: jojomataketa

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog barking. It has been barking for hours and hours. Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Paddy says "I've put the dog in our back-yard,....... let's see how they like it!"



Posted by: lazygirl

ha ha, some of them are funny (even though I'm Irish)..



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