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Solemn/Religious/Heavenly...... jokes!
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Posted by: jojomataketa
KFC AND THE LORD'S PRAYER
After watching sales falling off for three months straight at KFC, the Colonel Sanderscalls up the Pope and asks for a favour. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken', I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Tip-Top Bakery account!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 501..........One to change the bulb, and about 500 to go outside and shout, "I've seen the light!"
Q: What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary?
A: Ah! Breakfast in bed!
Q: Which denominations are welcome in your church?
A: My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.
Posted by: forwardone
Very good! 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
Very good!
Geoff |
Thanks!..Here is another one!
JESUS, TWO GUYS AND THE UNION WORKER.
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?"
"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up, moved away from Jesus screaming in horror, "Oh, No!, Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability benefit !"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Fallen From Grace
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if Ihear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your own wife fell three times this week."
Posted by: jojomataketa
One day a guy died and went to heaven. He was curious about how God lived and said, "God, how much is a millenium to you?" God said, "One second." "The man said, "God, how much is $1,000,000,000 to you?" God said, "One penny." The guy thought for a minute and said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said,"One second."
Posted by: forwardone
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
GOD ANSWERS:
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through the University, cost me a fortune, and then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christan."
"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer!" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did He say?" pressed the Lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...'"
Posted by: betrdanevr
Lol :d
Posted by: jojomataketa
Here is the 'LOST' CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two Priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first Priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF," the first Priest is gone.
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?" "No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second Priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!" "So be it," said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests. "Will you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"As far as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard."
Posted by: forwardone
I like that, he obviously didn`t tread carefully enough. 
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
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Originally Posted by forwardone
I like that, he obviously didn`t tread carefully enough.
Geoff |
Yeah, and also obviously, the stud was well screwed.
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
Prayer Question
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a young child (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
|
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.
"So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all ****** and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, the word is celebRate!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gif Memo From God http://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gifhttp://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gif I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness, hatred, extremism or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gif Letters To God http://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gifhttp://jokes.christiansunite.com/images/transparent.gif
Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene
Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Cindy
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert
Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom
Posted by: forwardone
Some thoughts to ponder from your previous post jojo.
Some very funny comments from your last. 
Good posts. 
Geoff
Posted by: Punk
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.
Posted by: Punk
A sailor was driven off course by a storm, and smashed into a small
island. The next morning, he awoke on the beach. The sand and sky were
reddish. Walking around in a daze, the sailor saw red birds, red
grass, red trees and red bananas. He was shocked to find that even his
skin was reddish. "Oh, noooooo!" he exclaimed. .............................
Wait for it...........(scroll down - it's excellent!)
..................
...........
.
"I'm marooned!"
Posted by: forwardone
Punk, very good. Love the neighbours one.
And welcome to Web Life.
Geoff
Posted by: Punk
Thanks for the welcome forwardone
I'm gonna have to careful with my humour - probably not to the tastes of everyone! I did wonder about the neighbours one, so i'm glad you took it as it is meant. I don't want anyone to be offended.......
Posted by: forwardone
Nope, it didn`t bother me - I`m British!
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
Nope, it didn`t bother me - I`m British!
Geoff |
Nor me....I am a citizen of the world!...
[Isn't that a good concept?...as long as religion is kept as a private affair between an individual and God?...]
Posted by: jojomataketa
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ''In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.'' And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ''OK,'' Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ''I'm your man.''
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
''Noah!'' shouted the Lord, ''Where is My ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
''Lord, please forgive me!'' begged Noah. ''I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.
''My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
''Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
''Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
''Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years.''
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ''You mean you are not going to destroy the world?'' he asked hopefully.
''No,'' said the Lord. ''The government already has.''
Posted by: jojomataketa
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."
Posted by: DontBefooled
Ha ha ha! I can just imagine that scene.
Posted by: jojomataketa
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it’s left paw and raising its right paw to strike him….he yelled out, “OH MY GOD!”
Time stopped…….
The bear froze…….
The forest was silent…………
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, GOD SPOKE: “YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? “AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?”
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL,” said GOD.
The light went out…
The river ran…
The sounds of the forest resumed..
And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen.”
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three women die together in an accident, and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
They enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter, with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and again along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the second woman and the ugly man together, and again tells the woman she will be with this man for eternity.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, she is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go by for months without stepping on any ducks. But then one day St. Peter comes up to her, with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together and tells them they will be together for all of eternity.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy answers, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Posted by: jojomataketa
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.
With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.rbkc.gov.uk/rbkcdirect/r...story6_0003.jpg
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under
the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
Lead Us Not Into Temptation."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
Posted by: forwardone
Well, she does have a point there.
Posted by: jojomataketa
WHAT RELIGION IS THAT ANIMAL?
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE COUPLES
Three couples died in an auto accident. One couple was Irish, one Jewish, one Greek.
The couples were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be interviewed by the Admitting Angel. The door was open so they could hear the interview going on.
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Irish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Irish. I hate Irish. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Brandy."
The Angel said, "Brandy? You mean like the alcohol drink? All you people ever think of is drinking. Get outta here!"
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Jewish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Jews. I hate Jews. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Penny."
The Angel said, "Penny? You mean like the coin? All you people ever think of is money. Get outta here!"
The Greek couple in the waiting room had heard it all. The Greek husband turned to his wife and said, "I guess we don't stand a chance, Fanny!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Posted by: jojomataketa
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Posted by: jojomataketa
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
Posted by: jojomataketa
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
One day a man died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates he was having a chat with St Peter when he noticed a huge bank of clocks all telling different times. He asked St Peter what that was all about and St Peter explained that they were liar clocks and evertime someone told a lie the hands on the clock would move. The man looked about and said, "Wow, Mother Teresa's hasn't moved" and St Peter said that was because she never told a lie. He looked at his own and saw that it showed 20 minutes past 4. St Peter explained that he'd told a few lies in his life.
After looking some more he noticed that A famous politician’s clock wasn't there so he asked St Peter where it was. Oh, said St Peter, "God has got that clock in his office". "Wow", goes the man, "is she very important". "No", says St Peter, "it's very hot at this time of the year and God is using it as a ceiling fan".
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
Posted by: forwardone
All these are taken from actual Church Bulletins as passed out each week
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help ------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
------------------ ------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- -----------
potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and ********** to follow.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
lease use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by forwardone
All these are taken from actual Church Bulletins as passed out each week
|
Hilarious! Thouroughly enjoyed them. Thanks!
Posted by: tango4web
[Posting on behalf of jojomataketa due to temporary indisposition].
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
Posted by: jojomataketa
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. ... "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. .... "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen... So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground... I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the s--t out of all of you!" .... St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" ..... "Just a couple minutes ago".....
Posted by: forwardone
Good, keep `em coming jojo.
Posted by: forwardone
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Computer is Down"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for two days!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Posted by: jojomataketa
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Posted by: jojomataketa
There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what happened to your bike?"
"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"
"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your bike back?"
"Yeah."
"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."
Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.
"Hey I see my suggestion worked."
"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike."