Funny Signs!

Quote:

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE!I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Quote:

Over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

Quote:

Signs Found In Kitchens

1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!

3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.

14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!

15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

...and the best one of them all...

24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.