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Questions And Answers!
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Posted by: jojomataketa
"How many are there working at your office ?"
"About one third."
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"How long have you been working at that office ?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
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Look up in your local phonebook for someone with the surname 'Whitehead'. Phone them.
You: Is that Mr Blackhead?
Them: No - this is Mr Whitehead.
You: Sorry. Wrong zit.
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Posted by: jojomataketa
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
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Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone:
The question is not: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather: "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Bill Clinton:
It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate relationship between me and the chicken.
Newt Gingrich
Because the Chicken was kicked out of the coop.
Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the hell was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Bob Richardson
Cause he ain't in it fer the hunten! *See Bill Clinton...
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem.
Colonel Sanders of KFC:
What? I missed one?
Posted by: jojomataketa
The woman applying for a job in a Florida Lemon Grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge officer?"
Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's part of the service.
Posted by: jojomataketa
"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/msnbc/C...ontLookDown.gif
Posted by: jojomataketa
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer ,4 poorer.'"
http://p.vtourist.com/1587149-Sohow...attan_Beach.jpg
Posted by: forwardone
Being man handled by a bunch of women has brought a big smile to this guy`s face. 
Posted by: jojomataketa
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Bill Clinton steps out of his limo carrying a small dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog Sir." Bill says, "Thanks. I got it for Hillary." The Secret Service man says, "Nice trade, Sir!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?" "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life". "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?" "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself". The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...." "Infrequently", he declares. The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A crusty old colonel found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well there you go! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Posted by: jojomataketa
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A first grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers."
Posted by: forwardone
Quote:
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"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers."
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Which is always encouraged.
Posted by: jojomataketa
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.