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Idiot Sighting
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Posted by: Hardlyworkin
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
Posted by: forwardone
Geoff
Posted by: jojomataketa
Donald Rumsfield is giving Bush his daily briefing :
“Yesterday, 3 Brazillion soldiers were killed in Iraq”
"OH NO" Bush exclaims "That's terrible!"
His staff are stunned at his display of emotion as he hung his head sobbing......Finally the President looks up and asks "How many is a brazillion, anyhow?
Posted by: jojomataketa
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Posted by: jojomataketa
A pirate walks into his local rum house
The barman asks how he is, long time since I saw ye.... "Ooo Aaarrr, I bin well, things is foin" replies the pirate. "what about the wooden leg? Ye didn't 'ave that last time I saw ye" "AAArrr, we got in battle an I were hit in the leg by a cannonball" the pirate replies. "well, what about the hook on yer arm?" asks the barman. "AAAAArrrrrrrr, I were boardin a ship an I got me 'and cut off by a sword stroke" says the pirate. "An ye didn't 'ave that eye patch last time I saw ye" says the barman. "nope, that were when a flock of gulls flew over 'ed an I looked up an got poop in me eye" the pirate replied. "Ay, but ye can't lose an eye from bird poop" said the barman. The pirate replied, "It were the first day I 'ad me hook."
Posted by: forwardone
Keep `em coming, jojo. 
Posted by: jojomataketa
Old Harold
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold the computer guy,
to come over. Harold clicked a couple
of buttons and solved the problem. He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
“So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error?
What’s that .. in case I need to fix it again?”
Harold grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard
of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think
you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down …… I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Posted by: forwardone
Some of us know that feeling.
Posted by: clifton
Lol 
Now I understand why on my PC there is a stamp:
Intel Inside.
Idiot Outside
Posted by: jojomataketa
BBC NEWS : Tuesday, 7 March 2006, 15:57 GMT
Nursery opts for 'rainbow' sheep
Pre-school children attending two nurseries in Oxfordshire are being taught a new version of Baa Baa Black Sheep - Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep.
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/imag...sheeptwo203.jpg
See ewe... sheep really can come in many colours
P.S: But the irony is that this is not a joke! It is a real news item!
Posted by: jojomataketa
An Italian, Scotsman and a Cbinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no brooma. You saida to the Chinesa fella that he wasa in a charge of suppliesa, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhera.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile!' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... 'SUPPLIES!'
http://www.ionoz.com/officerlee/chinaman.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma and is asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
http://plus.maths.org/latestnews/ma...rimes/twins.jpg
Posted by: forwardone
Hee hee, very good, jojo.
Posted by: jojomataketa
Do you ever wish you’d thought about something before opening your mouth, these people did…
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
–Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas.
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
–Dan Quayle
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Posted by: jojomataketa
An Englishman walking by a shop window in Dublin spots a sign in the window. 'Shirts $2,Trousers $4, Suits $10'. He thinks to himself, 'if I buy a few of them, I could sell them for much more in London!'.. Decides to put on Irish accent and asks to buy 50 of each. "Your English!" "EH! How did you know?" "This is the dry cleaners"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Three construction workers are building a skyscraper, spending many days on high steel, in dangerous locations.
One is Irish, one is Mexican and the third is a blonde surfer dude from California.
At lunch time, sitting on a high steel beam, the Irish guy opens his lunch and says, "Oh no, not corned beef again! Corned beef, always corned beef. If I get one more corned beef sandwich, I swear I am going to jump and end it all."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Not another burrito. All I ever get is Burritos. All the time burritos. I am with you, if I get one more burrito I am going to jump too."
The blonde California surfer dude opens his lunch and says, "Tuna again! It is always tuna, tuna, tuna. I am with you guys -- if I get one more tuna sandwich I am jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch and says, "CORNED BEEF! That is the final straw." ...and he jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, " Aye a BURRITO again. That is it, I can't take it any more."...and he jumps to his death.
The California surfer dude opens his lunch and says, "Oh no, TUNA again --I'm with you guys." ...and he jumps to his death.
They have a joint funeral and at the funeral the Irish wife is moaning, "Why didn't I give him roast beef. I could have given him ham and cheese...." The Mexican wife is wailing, "I could have given him tacos. Why didn't I make him fajitas...."
The California wife says, "HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH."
http://static.flickr.com/65/182323899_ce20fa160b_m.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
John McAndrew had had a long, arduous and successful working life as the owner and manager of a transport company in Aberdeen. Eventually, he retired. One day, John decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree!"
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, who was a geological anthropologist. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
To say that John was stunned would be an understatement.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
John nearly falls in the water getting off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, John accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, John goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
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Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Posted by: jojomataketa
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
Posted by: dawsion
haha keep them coming
Posted by: jojomataketa
It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, man that stood up and has made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Posted by: jojomataketa
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Posted by: jojomataketa
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Posted by: jojomataketa
A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic:
"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."
"Yes, *sir!*"
"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."
"Yes, *sir!*"
At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."
After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."
"No problem, lieutenant!"
Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."
Posted by: jojomataketa
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"
The other replies, "He had a farm."
The first asks, "How do you spell it?"
To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
Posted by: jojomataketa
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"