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JOKES FROM VARIOUS NATIONS AROUND THE WORLD: Add yours!

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Posted by: jojomataketa

THE AUSTRIAN ENGINEER:

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former French-African colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down.
The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free.
The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."
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Posted by: awty

Though not actually from Czechoslavakia, my family is so:

...this is bad...

it takes a very large envelope, because...

'the czech's in the mail'...

Told ya it was bad!
Jeff


Posted by: jojomataketa

Quote:
Originally Posted by awty

it takes a very large envelope, because...

'the czech's in the mail'...

Told ya it was bad!
Jeff

LOL! nice one!...Hope it doesn't bounce!


Posted by: forwardone

Here are a few jokes which have been voted top in those countries by an Internet user vote.

Quote:
Top joke in the United Kingdom

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top joke in the United States

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..."

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Geoff


Posted by: jojomataketa

JOKES FROM THE SOVIET UNION: (RIP)

1.IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG........................Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918


.2.American style of risk: Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France: Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style: Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway

3. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

4. Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

5. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

6. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

7. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

8. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

9. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

10. When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

11.Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

12. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

13. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

14. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

15. Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

16. A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....


Posted by: jojomataketa

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay - where are you from, jackass?”


Posted by: jojomataketa

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these fellows! They have come to steal your land."


Posted by: jojomataketa

A sociologist was taking a survey in an Italian neighbourhood and approached a gentleman in a black suit.
The survey got to sex. 'How many times do you do it Sir?' he asked. 'Oh, about seven or eight times a year' replied the gent. But you are an Italian,' said the sociologist. 'Italians are supposed to be great lovers.' 'Well, I'm not doing too badly for a 65 year old priest without a car!'


Posted by: jojomataketa

Once Shonu goes to dinner with his friends.
Just to have some fun one of his friends asks Shonu, 'How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?'.
For which Shonu answers promptly -'8 idlis'.
His friends laugh at him and say, nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.
Shonu enjoyed the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, 'How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?'.
She replies '5 idlis'.
Hearing this answer Shonu gets furious and replies, 'You fool! Had you said '8 idlis' I would have told you a good joke!'
p.s: What IS an idli?


Posted by: forwardone

Quote:
Originally Posted by jojomataketa
Once Shonu goes to dinner with his friends.
Just to have some fun one of his friends asks Shonu, 'How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?'.
For which Shonu answers promptly -'8 idlis'.
His friends laugh at him and say, nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.
Shonu enjoyed the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, 'How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?'.
She replies '5 idlis'.
Hearing this answer Shonu gets furious and replies, 'You fool! Had you said '8 idlis' I would have told you a good joke!'
p.s: What IS an idli?


Quote:
Idli

Par-boiled rice - 3 cups
urud dal - 1 cup
Rinse and soak the above ingredients in water for about 2-3 hours.Then grind in a blender (with adding water in steps).Add salt and keep it aside (to get sour)for 12 hours.
Take idli plates and place a drop of oil in each idli mould and spread it over the entire mould.
Heat 2 cups of water in a large vessel or pressure cooker and place the filled idli plates and cover with lid. Heat in high for about 20 minutes.
Remove the plates from the vessel and remove the idlis.Pour 2 tsp of sesame oil while serving.
Side dish - Sambar, dosai milagai powder, and coconut chutney
While using pressure cooker for making idlis, the steam hole should not be covered by adding the cooker weight. Steam should escape freely.

I can`t recall ever eating one though.


Posted by: jojomataketa

Quote:
Originally Posted by forwardone
I can`t recall ever eating one though.


Here Geoff, ENJOY this mouth watering virtual breakfast dish!! Yummy!!

http://www.indianservice.com/new/food/image/idli.jpghttp://gitsfood.com/images/rava_idli.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/ta/8/89/Idli.jpg


Posted by: forwardone

Now that looks mouthwateringly delicious.


Posted by: jojomataketa

Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving
in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,

"What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," the Kiwi replied.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction
record?"

Confused, the Kiwi replied, "I didn't think you still
needed one."

.


Posted by: forwardone

Our Aussie members will LOVE that one.


Posted by: jojomataketa

"Hey Semisi! I have a cow for you for just $500!"

"E, vinaka Jone! I'll take it - you can bring it to my koro tomorrow!"

The next day: "Sorry Semisi, but the cow, thing died last night."

"Seta seti, sa mau-mau! Okay then, just give me my ilavo back."

"Sorry Semisi, I already spent that money."

"Bokola! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."

So Jone brought the dead cow to Semisi the next morning. A few weeks later, Jone bumped into Semisi and asked him what he did with the dead
cow:

"You won't believe, Jone! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for $5 each! I made a profit of $750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."

"Kemudou! And the fullahs, they didn't complain?"

"Sega! Only the fullah that won! So, I gave him back his $5 and he was happy!"


Posted by: jojomataketa

One day, Fidel died and went to Heaven. He knocked on the pearly door and demanded to be let in. St Peter looked through the peep-hole and saw Fidel standing there with his two suitcases. He yelled from behind the door that there had to be some mistake, he was destined for the other place. With that, St. Pete pressed a button and a trap door opened up from below Fidel plunging him to the depths of Hell. "Welcome jefe," Satan said, "We've been expecting you." Still shaken from the sudden drop, Fidel began by complaining that his suitcases were left at the doors of Heaven. "No problem," sais Satan, "We'll send a couple of demons to get them for you." A while latter, St. Pete heard some noise outside of Heaven's door. Again looking through the peep-hole, he sees the demons with the suitcases. At which point St. Pete says, "I knew it. Fidel has only been in Hell for five minutes, and already, here comes the refugee."


Posted by: jojomataketa

They arrive in the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.

But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family.” Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
“Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!” he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

“But wouldn’t you rather have cheese queseadeas, enchiladas and burritos and other things?” she inquires.

“No!” the husband says. “Jesus told to me to have nachos. As I ran home, I kept hearing him yell to me, “That’s nacho cheese! That’s nacho cheese!”
http://www.abracadabrafancydress.co...mages/25509.jpg


Posted by: jojomataketa

It's New Year's Day in Dublin, and this Baskerville font walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says: "A pint of stout please." Nervously, the barman serves up the pint. After half a dozen pints, the barman goes to where the Baskerville font is standing by the counter and says: "We don't see many of your type around here." The font replies: "I'm not surprised at five euros a bleedin' pint."
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This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"

"I don't like her."
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The Guinness Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Dublin, Ireland.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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An executive in one of those doggy Financial Centre dot.com type businesses was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Janet or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Janet came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Janet, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Janet replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
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After getting back from the Sahara, Shay decides to quit life in Dublin and head to the mid-lands and start a farm. One of his new neighbours encourages him, and to help him get started, gives him 100 chickens. A month later they meet in the village and the neighbour asks how the chickens are doing. "They are all dead" Shay tells him. "I can't understand why" The neighbour feels sorry for him and offers another 100 chickens. A month later they meet up again in the village and the neighbour asks how the second lot of chickens are doing. "They are all dead" Shay tells him again. "I think I must be planting them too deep"
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a the Bank of Ireland branch in College Green and went in to ask for an immediate loan of €5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground car-park for safe keeping, and gave him €5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be €5,000 in principal, and €15.00 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow €5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Dublin city centre for two weeks and pay only €15.00?"
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Dubliners in Hell
Two guys from Dublin die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"

They reply, "'Well, we're from Dublin bud, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out eh".

The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Dublin, it's even wetter than Cork, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little, eh."

This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Dubliners in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Dubliners reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Dublin. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."

The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Dubliners back in their anoraks and hoodies. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!

The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Dubliners look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Dublin has won the All-Ireland Hurling Championship!"
---------------------------------------------


Posted by: nunulka

An American, a Russian, and a Czech were flying a plane which seemed about to crash. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes. The Russian grabbed one and jumped out of the plane. "What do we do now?" asked the Czech, "How do we decide who lives and who dies?" "Don't worry," said the American, "the Russian took my backpack."

An American, a Czech, and a Russian are debating whose country has superior agriculture. The American says, "In America, we have developed such an amazing potato plant that two months after you plant it, you can harvest it."
Not very impressive," says the Czech, "In Czechoslovakia, we have developed a potato plant that can be harvested only one month after you plant it."
That's nothing," says the Russian, "Our potatoes are harvested the day after they are planted."
That's impossible," say the American and the Czech.
You don't know hunger," says the Russian.

An American, a Czech, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island. They find a lamp, rub it, and a genie offers them each 3 wishes.
The American says: "I want to be back in America. I want a nicer house, and I want a nicer car." His wishes are granted and he disappears.
The Czech says: "I want to be back in Czechoslovakia. I want a nicer flat, and I want a car." His wishes are granted and he disappears.
The Russian says: "I want a loaf of bread. I want a bottle of vodka, and I want you to bring the American and the Czech back."

A policeman sees one man biting the pittbul.
"What do you thing you are doing, man?" asks him a question.
"I am sorry," replies the man. "He began first!"


Posted by: forwardone

Some good ones there, nunulka.


Posted by: jojomataketa

Questions asked by foreigners on an aussie tourism site:

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA) A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy) A: Let’s not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not…… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send you the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don’t stink!

11. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

12. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?

13. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

14. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: only at Christmas.

15. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them!

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.






Posted by: jojomataketa

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?"


Posted by: jojomataketa

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, “ That is very impressive!”. The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


Posted by: jojomataketa

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"




Posted by: jojomataketa

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw
something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the
image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a
bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's
one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that
over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way,
they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting
behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

[P.S: I have a funny feeling that I have already posted this joke before...but can't find where. Did I post it before?...If so, where?...Please let me know..It is worrying me!!! Cheers!...jojomataketa]


Posted by: jojomataketa

One of the Al Quaeda 9/11 suicide bombers
made his way to the Pearly Gates, where he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation that I helped conceive!" yells Mr Washington, as he punches him in the face. Patrick Henry steps next: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, but all you got was death!" as he punches him on the nose. James Madison comes up and says: "This is why I allowed the Federal Government to provide for the common defence!" as he drops a large weight on the pilot's knees. The pilot is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Munroe and 65 other 18th century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As he awaits his journey to his final (very hot) destination, he screams: "This is not what I was promised! I was expecting scores of virgins! " An angel replied: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians awaiting you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"



Posted by: jojomataketa

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he passed out along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt.

Early Sunday morning the 2 town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. "Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!" one exclaimed. "No I haven't Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment." as she searched her bag. "Here this should do it." And she tied a ribbon around his member. "Serves him right" they huffed and continued on to church.

Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said "Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!."



Posted by: jojomataketa

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.




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