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Christmas And New Year Jokes!
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Posted by: jojomataketa
A Christman Card from Santa
I'm sending this card to tell you
That taxes have taken away
The things that I really needed --
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,
Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass,
He's old, he's crippled, he's slow,
So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas,
It's cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.
.
Posted by: jojomataketa
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/candle2.jpg
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/stockng1.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
* What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
* What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
* Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !
* What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
* How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
* What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
* Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
* Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
* Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
* We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !
* Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
* Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ?
It was a scream !
* Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !
* What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?
* Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !
* Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !
Posted by: jojomataketa
* Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Posted by: jojomataketa
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
http://www.christmasarchives.com/ph...mages/0032a.jpghttp://www.christmasarchives.com/ph...mages/0008a.jpg
Posted by: jojomataketa
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.
When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.' "
Posted by: jojomataketa
Resolutions You Can Actually Keep...
http://www.ahajokes.com/funpages/newyear01.gif Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)
10. Read less.
http://www.ahajokes.com/funpages/newyear02.gif
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
http://www.ahajokes.com/funpages/newyear03.gif
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
http://www.ahajokes.com/funpages/newyear04.gif
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
Posted by: jojomataketa
Ha ha, made you look!!
http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/csk/CSK218/KS13064.jpg
http://www.funnypart.com/pictures/F...com-newyear.jpg
Posted by: forwardone
Ha ha, some very funny pics on that site, jojo. 